2012 in Review – The Worst Books of 2012

Unlike at most book blogs, when half your blogging team is a cool guy who follows the Razzies and still enjoys Mystery Science Theater 3000, we encourage reading not only awesome, unputdownable books but also shitty trainwrecks you can’t look away from – the so-called ‘cult classics’ – because, let’s be serious, they’re so bad they’re good.

There’s just something extremely satisfying about picking up that terrible read and wondering, who in their right mind would write this? And of course the corollary, who in their right mind would edit/publish this? So if you’re looking for an out of this world mind blowing experience, each of the following books come highly recommended to give the perfect WTF reading experience.

Heaven by Alexandra Adornetto

#5 Heaven (Halo #3) by Alexandra Adornetto Heaven usually tops most reviewers’ lists of the worst books of 2012, but it only barely makes my bottom five. It’s not that the book isn’t mind blowingly bad – it is – but a combination of the angel paranormal genre being renown for producing terrible entry after terrible entry and the even shittier competition keeps this from getting a higher ranking. What It’s Nominally About: A ‘romance’ between a girl angel and a poor guy What to Expect: Teen marriage, unrealistic depictions of college life, poorly edited plot sequences, bizarre dialogue, sweeping barf inducing generalizations about love

Envy by Elizabeth Miles

#4 Envy (Fury #2) by Elizabeth Miles The first book, Fury, was already pretty bad, but Envy is in a class by itself. No wonder the readership for this series dropped off dramatically after the first book, but for those brave enough to stick around, be prepared for a treat in writing unlikable tools. What It’s Nominally About: The Furies of Greek mythology wreck havoc with the lives of teenagers they deem worthy of punishment What to Expect: Completely unlikable characters, embarassingly insane delusions, excessive self loathing, a nonsensical love triangle

Dark Water by Tricia Rayburn

#3 Dark Water (Siren #3) by Tricia Rayburn I stand by my review when I said Undercurrent is the worst book in this series, but Dark Water still rises (or is it sinks?) to the top (or is it bottom?) of my list by being a complete rehash of the first book, Siren, already a bad book, but now being entirely predictable to boot. What It’s Nominally About: A group of evil Sirens return to a small Maine town in another bid to take over the world What to Expect: Chapter after chapter of mind numbingly dull plot, excessive tedium even for a paranormal romance, out of character characters, a climax basically consisting of the villains about to win before a cliffhanger time jump to the good guys celebrating their victory

The Last Princess by Galaxy Craze

#2 The Last Princess by Galaxy Craze The success of The Hunger Games really did a number for dystopians. What was once a niche genre has seen an explosion of new titles, mostly by authors who have no idea what they’re doing. Still, if I were to pick one book that’s the epitome of the awfulness of the new crop of dystopians, The Last Princess is it. What It’s Nominally About: An unexplained global catastrophe plunges Britain into a Dark Age, leading to a power struggle between a power hungry military leader and the Royal Family What to Expect: A generic protagonist, a generic villain, a generic love interest, a generic plot, generic storytelling, every single dystopian element ever all reused unsuccessfully in the same book

The Shapeshifter’s Secret by Heather Ostler

And #1 dum dum dum… The Shapeshifter’s Secret by Heather Ostler Congratulations for making it all the way to number #1! Most reviewers would recommend this book for nobody, but I on the other hand recommend it for everyone, because this indescribable book has to be read to be believed. Just make sure not to read too much at once. What It’s Nominally About: A girl discovers she’s a cat person from another world and is embroiled in a power struggle with her family What to Expect: Terrible characterizations, terrible world building, terrible villain, terrible romantic interest, terrible love triangle, terrible writing, terrible Harry Potter knockoff